this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
