i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
