Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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