dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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