I am midnight drunk by noon
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
