you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
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He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
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Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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