I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
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Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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