I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
