dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
