sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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