oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
