I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
