By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
