but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
