now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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