I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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