Got a toothbrush?
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
