Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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