he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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