They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
