I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
