tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
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he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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