so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I supernannyed him into submission
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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