around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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