I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
