i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
