so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
What did we do last night that was yellow?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
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I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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