You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
