Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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