My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
