i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
