he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
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I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
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You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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