I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
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