3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
