walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
