I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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