why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
