At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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