3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
