Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I believe in your delicious
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
