I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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