she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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