i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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