My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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