Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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