atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
