Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
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I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
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THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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