my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
