Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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