How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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