I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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