this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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