If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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